Madonna, nuclear engineer

The problem of "what to do with nuclear waste" has been vexing engineers and operators since the switch was flipped on the first civilian reactor in the late 50's. Fortunately, well-known nuclear engineer Madonna has arrived at a solution: Kabbalah water. The Kabbalah Centre, with worldwide locations (including the holiest of cities, Los Angeles), sells the stuff for $8 per bottle. But it's not ordinary water, mind you - it's created with "blessings and meditations" that "bring about elegant and balanced crystalline structures".

Using her vast knowledge of physics, reactor kinetics, and nuclear waste management, Madonna has determined that Kabbalah water can neutralize (oops, sorry, I mean "neutralise" - Madonna is British, after all) nuclear waste. A supposed test in the Ukraine was successful in neutralising dangerous waste, and Madonna and her equally nutty husband have been bothering Department of Trade and Industry (DTI) and British Nuclear Fuels (BNFL) officials ever since.

Madonna explained her wish to solve the world's nuclear waste problems as such:

"I can write the greatest songs and make the most fabulous films and be a fashion icon and conquer the world, but if there isn’t a world to conquer, what’s the point?"

After all, without movies like "Swept Away", what's the point in living?

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